Fear and Avoidance: How Avoidance Fuels Anxiety

You know that feeling when something uncomfortable is sitting in the back of your mind.

A conversation you don’t want to have.

A boundary you know you need to set.

A decision you keep putting off.

You tell yourself you’ll deal with it later.

But later never brings relief.

It brings more anxiety.

Key takeaways from this post

• Fear and Avoidance can soothe anxiety short term but strengthen it long term.

  
  

• Avoiding hard conversations keeps your nervous system stuck in a stress loop.

  
  

• High functioning women often avoid discomfort to stay liked, calm, and in control.

  
  

• Facing fear imperfectly is often less stressful than carrying it silently.

  
  

• Boundaries can feel scary, but the relief afterward is real.

Avoidance feels protective. But it quietly keeps you trapped.

Let’s talk about why, and what actually helps.

Why do fear and avoidance make anxiety feel worse over time?

Avoidance is one of anxiety’s favorite strategies...because it works… for about five minutes.

From a brain perspective, it’s perfectly logical. If something feels threatening (a hard conversation, a boundary, a decision), your nervous system mobilizes: tension, adrenaline, scanning for danger. Then you avoid it and your body gets an immediate exhale of relief.

And your brain takes a snapshot of that moment and files it away as a survival rule:

“Whew. I’m safe because I avoided.”

That’s the trap.

Because now your brain has learned that the situation itself is dangerous, not just uncomfortable. So the fear expands. It generalizes. The next time anything even resembles that situation, your anxiety shows up sooner and stronger, trying to protect you the only way it knows how.

This is why Fear and Avoidance don’t shrink anxiety over time.

You never get the chance to teach your system the more healing message: “I can feel discomfort and still be okay.”

Instead, the nervous system learns: “Discomfort equals danger.”

Not always as a panic attack, often as the slow drain of chronic activation:

• Tension that never fully lets go

• Sleep that stays light and restless

• Irritability and low patience

• A constant hum of dread in the background

Not because the hard thing is happening.

But because it’s pending, and your nervous system doesn’t know when it’s coming, so it stays braced.

That’s how avoidance makes anxiety worse: it replaces a temporary wave of discomfort with a long-term state of vigilance.

What does fear and avoidance anxiety look like in real life?

When I avoided a deeply painful conversation with my father, telling him I needed space and could not continue communicating. My body paid the price.

I was tense.

I couldn’t sleep.

I was irritable and on edge.

It didn’t fade with time. It stayed constant and then escalated.

As the moment to speak up got closer, my anxiety became physical. Nausea. Panic. That sick-to-your-stomach feeling that makes you wonder if you can even get the words out.

Avoidance didn’t protect me. It prolonged the suffering.

This is something I see constantly in the women I work with, especially high-achieving, capable women who are used to handling everything except their own emotional needs.

Why are high functioning women more prone to fear and avoidance?

High-functioning women are often excellent at coping.

They’re responsible. Reliable. Helpful. The one who follows through. The one people trust. The one who can keep it together in public and handle the details no one else wants to touch.

And a lot of that didn’t come out of nowhere.

Many ambitious women were rewarded early for being “easy” — the good girl who didn’t need much, didn’t make a fuss, didn’t rock the boat, didn’t ask for too much. Maybe you learned that being agreeable kept the peace. That being capable earned love. That having needs created tension.

So Fear and Avoidance don’t look dramatic. They look like functioning.

They show up as:

• overthinking what to say so long you never say it

• minimizing your own discomfort (“it’s not that big of a deal”)

• keeping the boundary in your head instead of putting it in the room

• doing it yourself because asking feels like a burden

• staying polite while resentment quietly builds

And you avoid the predictable “danger zones,” like:

• setting boundaries

• expressing disappointment or anger

• saying no

• asking for help

• initiating uncomfortable conversations

Not because you’re weak. But because somewhere along the way, your nervous system learned a painful equation: Being liked feels safer than being honest.

So the internal script sounds like:

• “It’s just easier if I keep it to myself.”

• “I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.”

• “I can handle it.”

• “This will cause more problems if I bring it up.”

And on the surface, that can look like maturity.

You’re “easygoing.” You’re “the bigger person.” You’re “fine.”

But inside, it’s pressure, because what you’re really doing is quietly training yourself that other people’s comfort matters more than your own needs.

And that isn’t fair to you.

When you repeatedly put your needs on the back burner to keep the peace, you may protect their nervous system in the moment… but you sacrifice yours long-term. You become the one who absorbs the discomfort so no one else has to feel it. You carry the emotional labor. You do the smoothing, the accommodating, the over-explaining, the over-functioning.

Silence doesn’t create peace. It creates self-abandonment disguised as being “low maintenance.”

And your body always keeps the score.

That internal tension shows up as jaw clenching, irritability, sleeplessness, digestive issues, overthinking, overworking—plus that constant sense that something is “off,” even when everything looks fine on paper.

Avoidance keeps you looking calm. While your body carries the cost.

And eventually, the question becomes less about Can I keep avoiding this? and more about:

Why am I always the one paying the price for everyone else’s comfort?

When do fear and avoidance start costing you more than the fear itself?

Avoidance creates a specific kind of stress—the kind that never completes.

When you don’t address the thing you’re afraid of, your nervous system doesn’t get a resolution point. There’s no finish line. No closing chapter. So your body stays in a low-grade state of readiness, like it’s bracing for impact that never arrives.

You don’t get closure. You don’t get relief. You don’t get to move on.

Instead, it follows you.

It shows up in the shower when your mind finally gets quiet enough to replay the conversation.

It surfaces when your head hits the pillow and your thoughts start rehearsing outcomes at 2 a.m.

It sneaks into the middle of work meetings as that tight chest, that distracted edge, that sense of I’m here… but not fully.

Because the “threat” is still open.

And your nervous system knows it.

But here’s what surprised me: once you face it, even imperfectly, something shifts fast.

When I finally had that conversation with my father, I was terrified. I didn’t do it smoothly. I didn’t do it calmly. I wrote everything down and read it off a piece of paper because I knew my body might hijack my words. I was convinced I would cry or fall apart.

And yet—there was no yelling. No explosion. No catastrophe.

It was respected. Not warmly. Not perfectly.

But respectfully.

And the weight lifted.

That’s the part I want you to hear: the relief wasn’t dependent on a perfect outcome. It came from ending the suspended stress of avoidance. From no longer carrying the whole thing alone in my body.

Sometimes the greatest nervous system relief isn’t getting the response you want.

It’s finally being done rehearsing.

How is facing fear and avoidance kinder to your nervous system?

One of the most important truths about anxiety is this: Prolonging fear is harder on your body than facing it.

Yes, there is always a chance that a hard conversation won’t go well.

But avoiding it guarantees ongoing stress.

When you communicate your needs clearly and respectfully, you reclaim control over your side of the equation.

You cannot control how someone reacts. But you can control:

• How you speak to yourself

• How you prepare

• What behavior you tolerate afterward

Boundaries aren’t about managing other people’s emotions. They’re about honoring yourself, your needs. And this is not selfish.

How can you stop fear and avoidance without overwhelming yourself?

You don’t have to be calm, polished, or fearless.

You don’t have to say it perfectly.

You just have to tell the truth—in a way your nervous system can tolerate.

Here are a few grounded ways to move through Fear and Avoidance without flooding yourself:

Write it out first

If your mind goes blank under stress, don’t rely on “finding the words” in the moment. Write what you want to say ahead of time. Read it if you need to.

Let go of perfect delivery

Emotion does not invalidate your message.

Say it in the format that helps you be clear: text, email, phone call, or face-to-face.

Keep it short and simple.

No over-explaining. No apologizing for having a need.

Expect guilt, but don’t let it drive

Guilt is not always a sign you did something wrong. Often it’s a sign you did something new, especially if you’re used to keeping the peace by keeping quiet.

Instead of fixating on the guilt, anchor in what matters:

• You addressed the issue.

• You survived it.

• The worst-case scenario your brain rehearsed didn’t happen (or if it did, you handled it).

Let yourself feel proud, NOT GUILTY.

Start smaller than you think

If the full conversation feels too big, take the next smallest step that still moves you forward:

• Send a short text: “Can we talk this week? I need to share something important.”

• Practice one sentence out loud until it feels steady

• Ask a trusted friend to role-play it with you

Small steps count. You’re building tolerance, not forcing a breakthrough.

Remember: avoidance is a choice too

And it comes with a cost: anxiety that lingers, sleep that frays, and a nervous system that never gets to stand down.

Facing it may be uncomfortable in the moment.

But avoiding it keeps you living in the anticipation of discomfort—which is often the most exhausting part of all.

The reframe that changes fear and avoidance patterns.

You are allowed to have needs.

You are allowed to say no.

You are allowed to ask not to be treated in ways that hurt you.

You offer that respect to others every day.

You deserve to offer it to yourself, too.

How I Can Help

At Mind Alchemy Mental Health in Denver, Colorado, I offer holistic, integrative psychiatry for ambitious women who are tired of carrying anxiety alone. As a psychiatric nurse practitioner, I look at the full picture: brain, body, stress physiology, lifestyle, and the patterns that keep anxiety looping.

Life shouldn't feel like its draining you, and if you partner with me, it won't.

In Colorado? Schedule A Call With Me

Which Fear and Avoidance strategy are you using this week?

• Rehearse in the shower
• Over explain in your head
• Pretend it does not exist

Drop A Comment

What’s one thing you’ve been avoiding that you know is quietly draining your energy?

About the Author

Britt Ritchie, DNP, PMHNP-BC, is a doctorate-prepared psychiatric nurse practitioner and the founder of Mind Alchemy Mental Health, a boutique integrative psychiatry practice based in Denver, Colorado.

FAQs About Avoidance and Anxiety

Why do Fear and Avoidance make anxiety worse?

Fear and Avoidance reinforce the belief that discomfort is dangerous. Your brain never gets proof you can handle it, so anxiety grows stronger and faster.

Can Fear and Avoidance be a trauma response?

Yes. Fear and Avoidance can be a learned protective strategy, especially if you grew up minimizing your needs or walking on eggshells.

How do I stop Fear and Avoidance when anxiety feels overwhelming?

Start small, prepare in advance, and aim for clarity rather than perfection. Writing down what you want to say and taking one tiny step can reduce overwhelm.

Is it normal to feel guilty after facing Fear and Avoidance with boundaries?

Very normal. Guilt often shows up when you stop over functioning for others. It does not automatically mean you did anything wrong.

Can Fear and Avoidance cause physical symptoms?

Absolutely. Chronic tension, insomnia, irritability, and stomach symptoms are common when your nervous system stays in a prolonged stress response.